Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
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Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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