Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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