I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
