insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
