my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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