hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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