His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
