Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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