Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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