The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
