I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
