Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We're using joints as your birthday candles
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
