Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
