You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
