Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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