I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
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Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
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The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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