I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
