i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
