i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
