I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
