Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
