dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
