i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
