I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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