Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
