its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
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