Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
