Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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