Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
