I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
