He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
