I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Oh god it's open bar.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
