she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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