So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
