If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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