No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
