i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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