the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
