Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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