I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
