i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
