I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
