Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
