as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
