Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
