I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
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I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
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How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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