Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
