woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
