I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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