Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
