My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
