my vag is so smooth its legendary
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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