I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
