Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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