Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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