i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
