Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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