I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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